About mind, body and other difficulties

Lately I've sacrificed far too many thoughts about my looks, my weight and my body. Serious issues which I thougt I had already made peace with. Still these things keep popping out from somewhere I have no clue.

I have been seriously ill with eating disorder, for 8 awful years I did nothing but sum all the ridiculous and miserable calories I "ate" during the day and tried desperately to get rid of everything extra fat I think I had. If I had a chance to meet 12-year old me, I'd slap her. Hard. Stupid, stupid, selfish and thoughtless girl. Why on Earth you want to treat your body so bad when it is the only one you will ever have?

After 12 year I still wake up time to time and feel too fat, feel bad about my kilos and want to lose weight and be that same fairy-like creature I used to be. But nah, I am just too lazy this time. And I wasn't happy at all even though I was tiny as... well, tiny. Tiny with big depression. But guess what, my weight, measurements or any physical feature won't tell anything about my value as a person.

I have developed a new ideology with my body: treat it well. I think that the image we are given nowadays about our bodies is just totally wrong. Body is not something you should try to fit into some kind of standard or mould. Body is not fixable, and why fix something that is not broken? This is just plain horrible, the idea that there is always something that could be better, fitter on bit more this or that. No, I think that I am just perfect now. I don't want and I don't need to change my body. All I want is to do every effort to make it healthy and functionable. Therefore I eat lots of veggies, fruits but also some chocolate. I go outside and take a walk in the park or in the forest. I cherish it with natural medicine such as rose root, passion flower and Omega-3s. I want to tell my body: I like you no matter what, you do so much for me. And I want to take back all those years when all I gave you was malnutrition, pain and exhaustion.

My advice to everyone: go swim. It's just amazing how you fell under the water. It's all silent, there is nothing but the water and you and your body that keeps going forward, all your muscles working. That is how amazing your body is, if you just let it be.

Greetings from someone who learned how to swim properly just one year ago o/

Peace.

Me on May Day, can you guess who I was imitating?