About mind, body and other difficulties

Lately I've sacrificed far too many thoughts about my looks, my weight and my body. Serious issues which I thougt I had already made peace with. Still these things keep popping out from somewhere I have no clue.

I have been seriously ill with eating disorder, for 8 awful years I did nothing but sum all the ridiculous and miserable calories I "ate" during the day and tried desperately to get rid of everything extra fat I think I had. If I had a chance to meet 12-year old me, I'd slap her. Hard. Stupid, stupid, selfish and thoughtless girl. Why on Earth you want to treat your body so bad when it is the only one you will ever have?

After 12 year I still wake up time to time and feel too fat, feel bad about my kilos and want to lose weight and be that same fairy-like creature I used to be. But nah, I am just too lazy this time. And I wasn't happy at all even though I was tiny as... well, tiny. Tiny with big depression. But guess what, my weight, measurements or any physical feature won't tell anything about my value as a person.

I have developed a new ideology with my body: treat it well. I think that the image we are given nowadays about our bodies is just totally wrong. Body is not something you should try to fit into some kind of standard or mould. Body is not fixable, and why fix something that is not broken? This is just plain horrible, the idea that there is always something that could be better, fitter on bit more this or that. No, I think that I am just perfect now. I don't want and I don't need to change my body. All I want is to do every effort to make it healthy and functionable. Therefore I eat lots of veggies, fruits but also some chocolate. I go outside and take a walk in the park or in the forest. I cherish it with natural medicine such as rose root, passion flower and Omega-3s. I want to tell my body: I like you no matter what, you do so much for me. And I want to take back all those years when all I gave you was malnutrition, pain and exhaustion.

My advice to everyone: go swim. It's just amazing how you fell under the water. It's all silent, there is nothing but the water and you and your body that keeps going forward, all your muscles working. That is how amazing your body is, if you just let it be.

Greetings from someone who learned how to swim properly just one year ago o/

Peace.

Me on May Day, can you guess who I was imitating?

Pics from the past

Hi there. I've been gone for ages but now I feel like it is time to come back. But in a nutshell, I was so lost with my future, what should I do when I feel horribly miserable in my current city and all I do is long back to the north. I almost moved back to my home but then again it is time for me to stop running away all the problems that I and no one else has developed for oneself. It does not matter where I live, these things just keep haunting me for rest of mylife if I don't stood up and face them. So, I decided to stay. I don't want to live so far away from my Viking (<3) and then again I am so used to live in town so in a long term the country-living would drive me nuts since all I got to do is just my master thesis and nothing else. Well, I am going to spend some time at my parents since I've got a job for summer and September, but the rest of my summer is most likely going to be very busy with travelling around Finland and cooking festival food for hungry, drunk people :D

But, the point if this post is my past that is fortunately only past now. I used to be very sick just 5-6 years ago and these photos are from that era.

At these times I was nothing but skin and bones and sure as hell I don't miss this. Sometimes I feel anxious about my weight but then again I try to remember how much I have to be grateful of. I am healthy, I've got two legs and pair of arms, I can walk and function like a  human being is supposed to. I need to cherish and love my body and give every possible attention for it. It has deserved it.